5 Ways The Bachelorette is Like Going to a Liberal Arts College.

Because we only have one air conditioner in my apartment, and it’s in front of the TV, and my girlfriend gets home before I do, I’ve been watching more of The Bachelorette than I care to admit. However I noticed the show had some shocking trends relating to my experience attending a small liberal arts college.

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society:

5 Ways The Bachelorette is Like Going to A Liberal Arts College.


You think you’re more important than you actually are.
-During this process you think any decision you make should be publicized. You are under the false impression that mundane details of your thought process are sought after by other people. You decision should be on other people’s minds, because they enjoy your two-dimensional view on life. No matter how many people tell you they don’t care, you are sure that they are lying and that it is a test sent to you by whatever god (hopefully Christian) you believe in. You are determined to pass this nonexistent test. Because when you got drunk/fell in love/read a newspaper in the dorms for the first time, it was way more excellent than the millions who did it before you.

Along the way you convince yourself that several other Bachelor (degrees) were the ones you were meant for.
-While you make your way through school you dabble in Psychology, Business, Philosophy, English, and Sociology. They all have their own strengths. Psychology is a good listener but Sociology is a freak in the sack! Philosophy admits it likes the movie Ghost, but Business has a cool truck! Each class makes you believe that this is the profession that you were put on Earth for. You make sure that everyone knows why each program is perfect for you. Then you start to lie to the professors, promising that you can see yourself becoming a (insert aforementioned profession). The professors bring you to meet their families. You discuss the economy and Proust. Everyone thinks it’s a perfect fit.
“I’ve never seen the professor care so much about teaching before!” yells everybody.
These people are expendable you think, for they are no longer talking about you.

You and your bachelor (degree) are completely removed from any understanding of reality.
-You live a bubble for this entire process. You have the constant untested belief that you’re going to change the world. You read the New York Times. If people would only give you and your progressive agenda a chance you could really make a difference. “Every vote counts guys!” you shout all the time for no reason. You and your degree talk about starting quinoa co-ops in different developing countries. Every day will be like this you decide. You take up cricket, but mostly just so you can tell people about it.


You’re family and friends become a little embarrassed of you.
-Winter break has the worst in store for your family and friends. They must listen to every detail of how you’re broadening your horizons and feeling feelings you didn’t know you could feel like feeling-felt. At dinner you’ll finally stand up to grandma because you’ve now been indoctrinated with the liberal love that was otherwise unknown to you without your bachelor (degree.)
“Is this Hamburger Helper O.S.H.A certified!?” you scream at your mom.
“She’s in college” laughs your mom, trying to make the guests feel comfortable. Later she will consider killing you. In the meantime you make out with your degree in front of other people because, you don’t care! You love your degree! They are grossed out because it’s just a soul-less inanimate object, but hey, maybe I’ve just lost sight of the analogy.

When you graduate you realize you and your bachelor (degree) are completely unsuited for real life.

-Whoa suddenly the dream is over! Now you have a Bachelor (degree) but you’re not quite sure what to do with it. You can’t immediately get a job with it because lets face it, there are none! You imagined a perfect life for you and your degree, but since it was only a theoretical plan and not a practical one, you’re taken by surprise. You’ll have your first argument with your degree, and you’ll find that your degree has some really messed up ways of insulting you. Now that the cameras are gone your degree doesn’t have to bend to your every will in front of America! Also, your degree is impotent, so some other things aren’t quite so awesome either. But now your degree doesn’t have to compete with other degrees for your attention. Your degree can start to gain weight. Let’s face it, you’re only getting older and you can only go through school SO MANY TIMES. Suddenly the fact that you were sluttin’ it around with so many other bachelor degrees at the same time starts to manifest itself by your degree hanging out a strip clubs.